Part 2

Don’t mention the T word.

Here we go again.

I’ve noticed that I’ve become more secluded than usual. I used to reply to messages instantly and now there’s cases where I just won’t reply or will put off replying for days and weeks at a time, I don’t text people first at all.

Going on five years now. Five years. Half a decade of this. No matter how much I build foundations for myself to succeed, no matter what I do to make everything else around me work, I can’t escape the feeling. I’m surrounded by people who continually remind me that I’m not alone and yet that loneliness never ends.

I moved out to escape an abusive environment and yet it still haunts me. I love my job and it’s given me the best chance of making it in this industry. In an ideal world, I’m with 90min for a long time, there are only upsides to working here and little to zero downside. Today was the first time I took a day off because I couldn’t face the world and I fear it makes me look a liability.

Don’t mention the T word.

Every night out, every time there’s alcohol involved, it’s no longer fun, it’s not worth the upside. When I’m with couples, they always just bitch and argue about the dumbest shit. Often I’m the emotional punching bag after. The point of relationships is to bring people together and not the opposite. With all I’ve been through, witnessing this stupid, stupid stuff angers me to no end.

Don’t mention the T word.

The positives in my life keep increasing and yet it’s the negatives, the long-standing negatives that mean I’ll never be able to live in peace. The shouting and screaming in my head will never end.

The misery is as constant as ever and I’ve done a good job of hiding it most of the time (has anyone even noticed the bags?), I make the conscious effort to be fine in person but that does sometimes lapse.

As someone who prides themselves on objectivity, my life is on a day by day basis, a matter of surviving. When I said last month I was happy, I truly meant it, but it’s taught me that it will never last for long, that period didn’t even last 24 hours.

Life isn’t worth living for some and I truly believe that, it gets to a point where the circumstances are as such that it’s impossible to reverse them and after five years of constantly living this, about eight years since I was first diagnosed, I know that with all that I’ve done I’m one of those people. It’s not worth it. I can try and contribute to this world, to the people who inhabit it and are able to lead happier lives, but ultimately it’s not for me and my time is limited.

I’ve repeated that enough that for most reading this it won’t be a surprise. But it’s honestly how I feel – I gain nothing from not meaning that.

I’m sorry that I’ve let people down, I haven’t been there for others, I haven’t been more open and more intimate about this. I’m sick and going out sad. I just want to go without any fuss.