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Update Dec. 2022

I've been away from this account for a couple of months for a few reasons. I have needed time and space to decide what I need to prioritise in this struggling life. I still don't have the answers I'm looking for. The first reason to step back was because of the overwhelming demographic of this account. It is simply too triggering on a personal level now to surround myself with people who worship a man in who is not only enabling but empowering a well-known rapist. I am tired of hearing the rationalisation from the other side, especially when no one wants to understand mine. Despite my best efforts to prevent such a scenario, I’m finding myself detached from every friendship group I’ve been part of, constantly questioning why this is happening and why I can’t do anything to halt this slide. My confidence and trust in the people around me is dwindling all the while. I do not find myself relatable to anyone anymore. I still stare at my phone in frequently late hours of crisis ...
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Part 2

Don’t mention the T word. Here we go again. I’ve noticed that I’ve become more secluded than usual. I used to reply to messages instantly and now there’s cases where I just won’t reply or will put off replying for days and weeks at a time, I don’t text people first at all. Going on five years now. Five years. Half a decade of this. No matter how much I build foundations for myself to succeed, no matter what I do to make everything else around me work, I can’t escape the feeling. I’m surrounded by people who continually remind me that I’m not alone and yet that loneliness never ends. I moved out to escape an abusive environment and yet it still haunts me. I love my job and it’s given me the best chance of making it in this industry. In an ideal world, I’m with 90min for a long time, there are only upsides to working here and little to zero downside. Today was the first time I took a day off because I couldn’t face the world and I fear it makes me look ...
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The Long Way Round - Why I Am Who I Am and Why I Feel Hopeless

Starting from the top and working down. Make your own conclusions but what I write here is the definitive history of why I am the way I am. I think we’re all sick of this by now, me for living through it, you for seeing it and putting up with it. I’ll add subheadings so you can kind of navigate to where you want but at least by the end of this people will understand why I feel hopeless. Childhood I was generally a happy child. A sensitive one who was always keen to work hard and do the right thing. I did well at school, I had a lot of friends, I was well-liked, and I got on with my family. Kinda. I was always in the shadow of my younger brother. He was an exceptionally good footballer, so he got a lot of attention. He played for Chelsea, QPR, Tottenham and Watford, while he turned down Arsenal on several occasions. Meanwhile, my dad said he wasn’t going to pay for me to play Sunday league. This rubbed off to me as favouritism. That’s the view I held u...
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